Where were you when the Jennifer Lawrence nudes leaked?

"Where were you when the Jennifer Lawrence nudes leaked, Granddad?" That's what your doting grandchildren will ask you, years from now, as they gaze admiringly up at you from the carpet. You'll ruffle their hair, take your tobacco pipe out of your venerable, smiling mouth, and turn your twinkling eyes to gaze wistfully at the fireplace, and you'll tell them.
As fate would have it, I myself was browsing a certain anonymous image board, when I glimpsed the fabled thread in which the infamous OP first boasted of his hallowed treasure hoard. He was asking for bitcoins, so I was dubious and dismissed the thread out of hand. But shortly after, I saw another thread, and another, all of which were now sharing pictures and even pastebin links. Could it be? I thought. Can miracles truly happen?

Before I tested one of the links, I took a deep breath, opened a new tab with peerless precision, went straight to Youtube and searched for "Touch - the Sweetest Victory". 

My heart was racing as the first few bars of the song aptly set the tone for suspense. But it was the chorus I wanted. I dared to believe that it would herald the sight of JLaw's boobs. Could the link prove veritable? There was only one way to find out. I clicked, and just as I found myself in a glorious Aladdin's cave of famous pussy, sure enough, the majestic chorus of "SWEETEST VICTORYYYYY; I LOVE YOU MORE THAN LIFE IT'SEEEELF, OH SWEET VICTORYYYY..." permeated the room, marking it as one of the happiest moments of my young life; or at least, it made the cut for one of my top 20 happiest moments.

Now, I know that these are clearly images that she did not want the world to see. Apparently, some lucky bastard had Jennifer Laurence sending him some of the sexiest nudes known to human kind, and she or he was daft enough to store them on iCloud. That doesn't make it OK for them to be seen. It is, in truth, a total violation of her privacy.

However, the nature of celebrity is that hot girls get carted around in front of us lowly peasants all day, every day. Every picture is "Ooooh, don't you want to FUCK me? I know you do, but you caaaaan't!".

Well, this time, the lowly peasants got what they wanted. We peeked behind the curtain that these people live their lives behind. We've seen some glorious tits, and what's more, we've seen her posing like a proper little whore, which is all we ever wanted. It's not going to change her career- in fact, it might even improve it. So, really... if you can bend your reasoning skills as much as I can in the name of famous tits, you'll see that everyone's a winner.

So, I found a really cool minimalist Back to the Future pop art poster by an artist called Jamie Bolton. Here it is:

The idea is that it uses dots and lines to depict the order of Marty & Doc's adventures through time throughout the three brilliant movies. The poster is presumably inspired by the simple diagram Doc Brown draws up in BTTF2 to explain the concept of an altered timeline to a confused Marty.

So, if you look back up at the pop art poster, I'll talk you through it. The first dot on the left represents 1885, which isn't travelled to until BTTF Part 3. The second dot represents 1955. The third dot represents Marty's "present", 1985 (we'll get to the one underneath it in a sec), and the fourth represents 2015. Now, the dot underneath 1985 represents the "altered" 1985, which was made different by the DeLorian's intervention in 1955 (in this "skewed" 1985, Biff Tannen, the series' main protagonist, is a multi-millionaire and the town of Hill Valley has declined into a criminal hotbed where entropy and anarchy reign supreme). Once you understand this, you can start to see how the curved lines represent the DeLorian hopping forward and backward through time. Pretty clever, eh? Except (and this is where I get nerdy and pedantic) it's wrong.

In Back to the Future Part 1, Marty goes back in time to 1955, meddles around with stuff, and then goes back home to 1985- only it's not the same 1985 that he left. Indeed, the whole point of the movie was that he had tweaked a crucial turning point in his parents' lives, significantly changing them for the better. In this "improved" 1985, Marty's family is happy and successful, and Biff who in the original 1985 was George's overbearing, asshole supervisor is now the family bitch.

So really, this: 

Should look like this:

In my "fixed" version, the top right dot represents the original 1985, which Marty leaves to travel back to 1955 (the dot to the top left), and after permanently altering it, he then travels forward to the 1985 in the "new" timeline. Which means that the rest of the poster should look like this:
                                         

A [Disgruntled] Review of the Liverpool World Museum's "Magic Worlds" Exhibition.

Today I visited the Liverpool World Museum, for the first time in a long time, to see the 'Magic Worlds' exhibition. The Exhibition boasted "a world of enchantment, illusion, and fantasy". Alas, all it held for me was disenchantment, disillusionment and fantasies of inserting Sooty's magic wand up through my neck, into my carotid artery, and then swirling it around, so that I wouldn't have to endure another second of the crippling disappointment this exhibition inflicted upon me.

Don't let the pretty lights fool you.

The first thing I noticed upon entering the floor was an excess of empty space. Perhaps I was naïve in expecting a comprehensive collection of magical artifacts to be displayed in some whimsically cluttered array, but even the most jaded pessimist would be sorely let down by the striking paltriness of this depressingly meagre exhibition.

One of the first cabinets I saw was apparently a tribute to the Harry Potter franchise. Not the character, or the magical world in which he resides, but the media franchise of Harry Potter. It contained a pitiful handful of Harry Potter merchandise; some unpackaged plastic figures (which looked suspiciously like the cheap knock-offs you see in Home and Bargain), a small Harry Potter Lego play set, and a dirty, obviously second hand copy of the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Nintendo Wii game. I would like to know who procured that awful, awful game, and what degree of negligence prevailed in their childhood for them to believe it was special enough to belong in a museum...

Indiana Jones and the Temple of CEX.

The rest of the Exhibition wasn't much better. I found myself desperately scavenging the room for anything that wasn’t exceptionally boring, which resulted in a horrible sense of unsated suffocation. Mostly displayed were ordinary children's toys, with little context as to what they were or what their significance was (most likely because they didn't have any). Even kids seemed jaded as they declined their parents' suggestion to go and "experience the Mad Hatter's tea party" (a table with an incomplete toy tea set on it). Other "artifacts" included a picture of Paul Daniels, a 2008 poster of the musical 'Wicked', a Kinder Surprise'Smurf' toy, and another second hand copy of the Chronicles of Narnia Nintendo DS Game.

I asked one of the curators if he thought the exhibition was really an "exploration into ethereal realms of fairies, folklore, wizards and witches" or just an alarming betrayal of the disgraceful lack of funding our Museums receive.

"Well, I think [the V & A Museum of Childhood] have done a good job with what they've got, but I agree with you; what they've got isn't enough, and I suppose it does all come down to government funding, really. And not just this [exhibition] either, the whole of our museum needs it."

We talked for a while about the Liverpool World Museum's other displays; the words "half-arsed" and "not as good as it could be" came up a lot. It is sad to think of any Museum being neglected and under-valued. Especially now; in the age of Wikipedia and Youtube; museums should be more important to us than ever. Anything that can drag us away from our smart phones and computer monitors, and show us the world of extraordinary curiosities that we might look upon with our own eyes should surely be valued. Magic and folklore was clearly too ambitious a theme for the Victoria and Albert Museum of Childhood. If, for some reason, you'd still like to see it, the 'Magic Worlds' exhibition will be on the second floor of the Liverpool World Museum until the 2nd March 2014.