Comedy- like all art, really- is a lot less subjective than people like to think. Saying "it's subjective, though" all the time is just a cheap loophole that people with bad taste use to justify their love of shitty things. Obviously, we can choose to like whatever we want, but some things are intrinsically bad, and I don't care what you say. For example, if I draw a crude picture of an animal onto a piece of toilet paper, is that art? Does it deserve any more contempt than the Sistine Chapel? Of course it does, because it's not as good as the Sistine Chapel. There was significantly less vision, talent and work behind its creation.
Now you might not particularly like the Sistine Chapel (I wouldn't necessarily blame you, either; hundreds of ugly, muscular, naked babies clambering over one another isn't for everyone), but we can all agree that it is, objectively, a masterpiece and a standing testament of human accomplishment. Same with the Beatles; even if they aren't your cup of tea, we can all concur that they were, objectively, great song writers who changed the fate of music for the better. So it is a myth that there is no such thing as discernible quality in art, and comedy is no exception to this truth. The way to determine a crap joke is when you "get" the joke, as in, you can tell exactly what the writer was trying to do, and yet it doesn't make you so much as titter. If you've ever laughed at any of these things, then I'm sorry, but you're a bit of a mong in my opinion, and you should, maybe, consider other options before you make a pig's breakfast of the human gene pool. Speaking of pigs...
1. Spider-pig
I could write an entire article about the sad, drawn out death of The Simpsons that still continues to this day. In fact, I will. Some other time, though. Now, I'll admit, the first time I saw this gag in the trailer for the Simpsons movie, I did smile. But that's just it, jokes like this only work that one time, yet the trailers force it down your throat twenty, thirty, fifty times until you're sick-to-death of it before you even get into the cinema. And when the joke does finally surface in the film, it's heralded by a chorus of knowing laughter from the audience that makes you cringe so hard, you are in danger of folding in on yourself and dying. I felt like I was at some family party and an annoying relative was about to perform a familiar party-piece that everyone knew he was going to do sooner or later, except for some reason everyone was still excited to see it on the big screen. I remember looking around in the darkness, thinking "Really?", and- I shit you not, over the laughter, a man not far from me, easily at least thirty years of age, very loudly said "HOMER'S DEAD SILLY!". It sobered me up to where I was and I felt embarrassed to be a part of the audience.
2. Alan Davies' "silly" buzzer noises on QI.
If you're not familiar with it I'll fill you in. QI is basically a laid-back game show and the panel consists of four participants: three rotating and one regular, Alan Davies, who has the seat to Stephen Fry's immediate right. Participants each have their own buzzer which they press when they think they have an answer for one of Stephen Fry's questions, and every week, the buzzers are assigned different sounds. The first three participants almost always have ordinary buzzers, but Alan Davies always has a "silly" buzzer. Just watch this YouTube clip and see how boring and contrived the joke gets after just two or three times.
3. Beavis' "Cornholio" routine.
After consuming large amounts of sugar and/or caffeine, Beavis from "Beavis and Butthead" sometimes undergoes a "hilarious" personality change. He pulls his shirt collar over his head, raises his forearms in a 90-degree angle next to his chest, and shouts "I am the Great Cornholio!" in a faux-Spanish accent.
Honest to god, I can not watch more than 20 seconds of that clip. I just can't. And yet everyone lauds this shit as "hilarious".
4. The Despicable Me Minions.
In the movie 'Despicable Me', "Minions" are small, yellow, cylindrical creatures that have one or two eyes and exactly the right type of lowbrow, slapstick routines to make me want to fly to the Netherlands for a gentle dose of euthanasia, just so I no longer have to see their unfunny, viral shit plastered everywhere on cardboard cutouts and posters and bus stops and adverts and toys...
Come on, people, you've got to be either a child or a legitimate retard to find that funny. It's just cartoony voices and the same banal, piece of shit joke, over and over again:
1. Minion A is doing something goofy.
2. Minion B doesn't approve.
3. Minion A continues doing goofy thing.
4. Minion B hits minion A.
5. Either minion A or Minion B do the goofy thing one last time.
5. The "Thunder buddy song" from Ted
Really, fart gags should have their own category but I'm going to pick on this example because this scene single-handedly ruined the movie for me (not that the rest of it was anything to write home about) and yet everybody seems to think it was the funniest scene in the movie. Just watch:
See? Mila Kunis agrees with me.
6. The part in every family movie ever when, immediately after surviving something dangerous, the "comic relief" character says "Let's do that again!"
Pretty self-explanatory, this one.7. Miranda
This show has won countless comedy awards over the last couple of years, but I honestly believe that it is the worst UK television programme since Naked Jungle. According to George Entwistle, Director-General of the BBC, "Miranda's been a tremendous hit, and we believe we can build an even bigger following for her multi-award-winning show." That statement is such a back-handed insult to everyone in the UK. Before I show you a clip, know that this is a programme written and performed for grown adults.I don't even know why I wrote this article, I thought it'd be therapeutic to get these things off my chest, but talking about them has just left me feeling ornery and disgruntled. I'm going to have a bath and listen to some Enya or something. Bye bye.
